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What follows is the first in a series of… Well, I am not sure “column” is the right word, but without resorting to Klingonese, I am forced to use English. Steve Mayhew has decided to write a series for us. Those of you who are familiar with David Acer’s ramblings from the oxygen starved northern reaches will be familiar with our feelings on comedy. We are in favor of it. Therefore, it is with some trepidation and a healthy dose of legal disclaimers that I bring you…
For What It's Worth...
Rosie Rings’ eyes narrowed and she spoke, “Put your right foot in.”
Tony Miller stood alone in the middle of the playroom, his hands on his hips. His eyes were sad and fixed straight ahead. He put his right foot in.
“Take your right foot out.”
Tony’s lower lip quivered. He took his right foot out.
“Do the hokie-pokie.”
He hesitated.
“Do the hokie-pokie.”
Tony looked at Rosie. His eyes filled with tears. Silently he pleaded with her.
“Do the hokie-pokie.” Rosie said the words slowly, deliberately.
Tony’s spirit fell. Mechanically, he did the hokie-pokie.
Rosie’s eyes gleamed in triumph. She prepared herself to speak the final command.
But Tony didn’t stop. Before Rosie could speak the words he performed the final action. He turned himself about.
Rosie’s eyes stiffened.
Crying, Tony fell to the ground. “We can’t do this anymore, Rosie. We’ve got to stop playing these silly games.”
Rosie’s eyes were icy cold. She stared into him.
“Please, please,” he begged, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I hate London Bridge, I hate Itsy Bitsy Spider, I hate ‘this is the church, this is the steeple.’ Please, Rosie, no more, you humiliate me, you degrade me, you treat me like a child.”
Rosie didn’t move for a long time. Finally, her lips softened and she spoke, “Put ‘em all together and what do you get?”
Startled, he faced her. He saw victory in her eyes and he knew that she had won. He thought to himself, “How could I have been so stupid. I should have never given her a list. I should have known.” But it was over.
“Put ‘em all together and what do you get?”
“Bibbidy-Bobbidy-Boo,” he spoke, and sat alone, in his frustration and defeat.
From Tony Miller’s “Handling Magic’s Tough Situations”
Problem: Working a Bar Mitzvah, a 13 year old girl says, “I bet you’re not a magician, I bet you’re a child molester.”
Solution: Bend her over the buffet table and make a woman of her. Once they’re on to you, there’s no point in keeping up the charade.
Also at Bar Mitzvahs, it’s good to go around yelling, “So who got circumcised?” That’s not what happens at Bar Mitzvahs, but it’s fun to yell.
On Caucasians
I perform magic for thousands of people each year, and because of my location, and the current economic climate, most of those I perform for are white people. I don’t pretend to understand white people, but I’ve found them to be stark and naive, rather like a malnourished Merlot.
Notes from the Richard Gere Scientific Journal
...project experienced horrific setback...everything going well until the extraction phase...then disaster strikes...problem seems to be in choice of rodent...hamsters are short tailed...after the surgery will try mouse or rat or long tailed gerbil...yes! that’s it...the long tailed gerbil is the way to go...the long tail will make the extraction process smooth like butter...also, maybe some butter will be helpful...soon they won’t be laughing...
Performance Notes
Venue: Tabanan Leper Colony
General response: good
Concerns: the joke, “hold out your hand - no, the clean one”, not received well
Fix: put more emphasis on the word ‘clean’
It’s Not Magic, But...
Anything by Ken Simmons.
